How Do I Talk to My Spouse About Mediation?
You may be ready to explore mediation while your spouse or the other parent has never even considered it. That is normal. You do not have to convince them to mediate — you can simply invite them to learn about the process.
Chances Are, One of You Found Mediation First.
Most couples do not sit down together and simultaneously decide, “Let's find a mediator.” More often, one person starts researching alternatives to litigation and then has to figure out how to bring the idea to the other person.
The goal of that first conversation should not be to get an immediate “yes.” The goal is simply to open the door to a conversation.
Tips for Bringing Up Mediation
How you introduce the idea can make a significant difference in how it is received.
Choose a Calm Moment
Try not to introduce mediation in the middle of an argument. Bring it up when both of you have enough time and space to actually consider the idea.
Present It as an Option, Not an Ultimatum
“I found something I think we should look into” will usually be received much better than “This is what we're going to do.”
Emphasize Neutrality
A mediator does not represent you or your spouse. My role is to remain neutral and help both of you work through the issues that need to be resolved.
Take the Pressure Off
Your spouse does not have to commit to mediation simply because they speak with me. I offer free consultations so each person can ask questions and understand the process before deciding whether mediation is right for them.
Focus on the Shared Goal
Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, focus on what you both may want: resolving things efficiently, reducing conflict, controlling costs, and making your own decisions when possible.
Give Them Time
You may have spent days or weeks researching mediation before bringing it up. Your spouse may be hearing about it for the first time. Give them an opportunity to consider it and ask their own questions.
Not Sure What to Say?
You do not need to give your spouse a sales pitch. Keep it simple, neutral, and low-pressure.
“I've been looking at different options for how we can work through everything, and I found a mediator I'd like us to consider. His name is Clayton Owens with Florida Family Mediation.
He is neutral, so he would not represent either one of us or take either person's side. He offers free consultations, so you could talk with him yourself, ask whatever questions you have, and decide what you think.
I'm not asking us to commit to anything right now. Would you be willing to talk with him and see whether mediation might work for us?”
“I found a mediator I'd like us to consider. He's neutral and wouldn't represent either one of us. He offers free consultations, so you can talk with him directly and ask questions before we decide anything. Would you be willing to speak with him and see what you think?”
Prefer to Send an Email?
Subject: An option I'd like us to consider
I've been looking into different ways for us to work through the issues we need to resolve, and I came across Florida Family Mediation.
The mediator, Clayton Owens, is neutral. He would not represent me, and he would not represent you. His role would be to help both of us identify the issues, discuss possible solutions, and work toward agreements we can both accept.
He offers free consultations, so you would have the opportunity to speak with him directly, ask your own questions, and get a better understanding of how the process works.
I'm not asking you to agree to mediation without knowing more about it. I would just like us to explore whether this could be a way to handle things with less conflict and expense.
Would you be willing to have a free consultation with him and see what you think?
His website is FloridaFamilyMediation.net.
What If They Immediately Say No?
You do not necessarily need to debate the merits of mediation. Instead, reduce the size of the decision.
“That's okay. I'm not asking you to agree to mediation today. Would you at least be willing to have the free consultation and hear how it works directly from the mediator? You can decide what you think after that.”
Try Saying
- “I'd like us to look into this together.”
- “You can talk with the mediator yourself.”
- “Neither one of us has to decide today.”
- “I'd like to see if we can resolve this without making things more adversarial.”
- “I'd like both of us to understand our options.”
Try to Avoid
- “I've already decided we're doing mediation.”
- “You need to agree to this.”
- “The mediator will explain why I'm right.”
- “If you don't mediate, I'll take you to court.”
- Using mediation as leverage or a threat.
Neither Person Has to Take the Other's Word for It.
I offer free consultations so each of you can learn about mediation, ask questions, and decide whether the process makes sense for your family.
I am a neutral mediator. I do not represent either party, and speaking with me for a consultation does not commit either of you to mediation.
Schedule a Free Consultation